17 Comments
User's avatar
Li-Lian's avatar

I didn't realize anger might be something I've been missing. I've been running away from anger all my life and I love this perspective on it. Thank you for sharing!

Expand full comment
cherie's avatar

this is one of the best posts i've read on substack, i'm glad i discovered your account!

Expand full comment
Nirvana's avatar

This will help someone I care about, and me as well. Thank you for putting it out into the world ❤️

Expand full comment
shani's avatar

i'm so glad you found it. thank you for telling me

Expand full comment
Andrew Rose's avatar

I'm angry that I haven't published in months, even though I want more collaborators!

Expand full comment
shani's avatar

i am excited for what you will do with this anger

Expand full comment
Eva's avatar

A very generous piece of writing, thank you. Someone once told me that the root/cause of anger is hurt, and that view has helped me start understanding anger through a lens of empathy rather than shame. It’s been a freeing shift that’s opened up a lot of growth in understanding that side of myself.

Expand full comment
Karthik Tadepalli's avatar

Like you I spent my childhood trying not to be angry. I found the only way was to alchemize anger into sadness. Rather than being angry at a person/at circumstance/at an institution I would just be sad that my life wasn't working out the way I wanted it to. So really I spent most of my childhood being sad. It was a weird form of self sacrifice, I don't even know who it was for. I just didn't want to be another man with anger issues.

In recent years I've gotten much more comfortable with anger, with giving people sharp elbows, with making things uncomfortable for other people. I get sad a lot less now, and I don't feel like I'm choking out a part of myself. It works for me.

Expand full comment
Audrey's avatar

i usually see anger as an unpleasant acquaintance, someone who on rare occasions must be approached, but always with great reluctance. reading this, however, made me think that it can also be a catalyst for change. lovely piece!

Expand full comment
shani's avatar

thanks audrey ❤️

Expand full comment
Marina Tjetland's avatar

This is so beautifully written and touched me to my core.

Whenever I felt angry, I would feel so ashamed and awful afterwards. But I could never quite understand whether I felt bad for expressing anger toward someone — or toward myself, for not understanding or allowing myself to feel it in the first place.

I have clear boundaries when it comes to anger: it never goes beyond being a feeling in response to someone’s actions. It's really about me protecting my boundaries — and then suppressing that reaction simply because it came out as anger. It feels like a double-edged sword.

Reading your article helped me understand this more clearly. Thank you! ❤️

Expand full comment
Shelley's avatar

I have lived a similar journey and am just starting to understand anger. Like Karthik commented I converted anger to sadness which is self inflicted pain. The insightful way you have broken it down is so important. Anger that is not analyzed and purely acted upon without any love and compassion is violence. Anger is a signal to be explored, not ignored, and then, and only then, acted upon to express your need with compassion and love. Thank you!

Expand full comment
Lindsey Lawson's avatar

You just described me. How beautifully put. Brought tears to my eyes and made my understanding of anger so much less scary. Thank you xx

Expand full comment
Marina Sparrow's avatar

Your writing puts me in touch with something I've been avoiding in myself, not anger, just immediate perception. Please keep sharing your gift 🙏

Expand full comment
David McHugh's avatar

Another wonderful post, Shani. Your central insight - that anger reveals what we care about and is actually a necessary ingredient of caring - is thought provoking. I had never considered anger in that way before, but on reflection, you are clearly correct. Like so many other things in life, there is good with the bad, but revealing the good might take some conscious effort and focus (self-awareness?). Thank you for sharing your observation. I'm so glad I found your account and that you continue to write.

Expand full comment
Pratik A. Desai's avatar

Insightful. But anger by definition is an emotion easy to slip out of control. How to be angry without becoming angry? .. Don't know... I know one thing for certain though, because I have experienced it time and again: anger begets anger in response. And it is an utterly ugly experience. I will need more time to digest your take on anger. Thanks for writing!

Expand full comment
Leslie Greenwood's avatar

I really appreciate this 3-part story. I think many people will be able to relate to the way you've broken it down. I sure do.

Expand full comment